hey y’all sup dog sapinen brus gimusumskin yall wassup yo well hello there, so terribly nice to see you
These are all phrases from my “American Phrases for Adventurous Aussies” handbook (obviously you would’ve heard of it). I’ll be quoting from it quite a bit in the next 3 or 4 weeks so just try to stay with me.
That’s right, here we are just one day away from . . . . . . . you guessed it: THE OCTOBER BIG BASH USA EXTRAVAGANZA!!!! I’ll be posting the updates on my website at mybigfatcreations.com so feel free to drop in for a look, maybe a giggle or two and hopefully leave refreshed, satisfied and with a very tangible feeling that you haven’t just wasted another 6 minutes of your life – time that you could otherwise have spent on something as equally as impacting like watching the Kardashians or cleaning that dark-coloured stuff from under your toenails. Anyway, here’ a little excerpt from day -1. Please be aware that there will be naughty words used occasionally and perhaps what could be construed as a ‘racial slur’ may make an appearance from time to time. Overall though, as long as you’re not too easily offended, I reckon you’ll be okay – gooks, wops, spooks, dagos, dinks and politicians should probably just give it a miss – nowam sayin (straight from the phrase book!)
Day minus 1:
What is that disgusting fucking smell? You’ve got to be kidding me! Seriously, WTF!! Are we on an aeroplane or in the dressing sheds after a game of footy? Someone really needs to call the coroner because something or someone has definitely died here!! This is complete bullsh. . . . . . ay wait up – no all good, was just my socks. Better slip the shoes back on. Well thank chuck for that. For a moment there I thought they might’ve let ferals on board – hey I’m not a snob I just reckon if the cunts won’t bath occasionally then they can take the fucking bus!
Anyway, where were we? Yeah that’s right, day minus one of the OctoberBigBashUSA Extravaganza. Currently sitting at 37,000 feet above the Queensland outback, AND WHAT A VIEW! That’s of course if your favourite colours of all time are brown and grey. Just brown and grey. Everywhere you look, brown and fucking grey. Nothing else. Nothing. If there ever was a creator of the universe, I think he or she must have been very fucking hung-over when they were choosing their colour schemes for the outback. Brown, grey, brownish-grey, greyish brown,brownish-brown, greyish-grey, etc., etc. Hey I’m from the outback so I know just how beautiful it can be – but not from the air. From 37,000 feet (and that’s kind of where you’d expect a ‘supreme’ creator to be looking from) it just looks like shit. Fail! Still, it’s Australia so I’m as proud as punch. Looking down at the landscape we could easily be flying over Iraq or Arabia with a million fucking towel heads itching to shoot us down. I’ve actually done that you know, flown over Iraq I mean. It was on the way to Slovenia to visit Carmel’s rellys. With Emirates, you fly to Dubai and then sort of sneak up the western border of Iraq before heading out over the Mediterranean. I use the word ‘sneak’ because as you’re watching the flight path tracker on the screen in the headrest in front of you or at the big screen towards the front of the plane, it does occur to you that it wouldn’t be at all unusual if a couple of big red arrows popped up pointing toward Iraq, with an accompanying caption that read something like “Warning!! Stay the fuck away from these motherfuckers! They hate everyone!! Especially aeroplanes full of Satan worshippers (or Americans) flying over their holy piece of desolate fucking moonscape!” or something as equally non-offensive but informative none the less.
Anyway, back in Queensland we’ve just finished our tomato and cheese panini with a couple of glasses of Aussie wine – nice drop. By the way, yes, this is cattle class – when you say things like ‘panini’ and ‘glasses of wine’ in the same sentence it can give the impression of business class. No only economy. The bloke beside me is just throwing back those Coke Zeroes like they’re going out of style. I think he might be some kind of corporate dude or senior public servant. Maybe a politician! You can just tell sometimes. The steward keeps asking him “Is there anything else I can get you Mr such n such?” Hey what about me?? Fuck Mr Such n such, I’m sure I’ve probably paid just as much for my ticket! And mine probably wasn’t paid for by the taxpayers of Queensland – if you want to get all technical about it!!! Mr Such n fucking Such just sitting there sculling Coke Zeros and punching out the keys on his laptop like Greg Bird giving his girlfriend her weekly touch up (anyone who hits a woman is a grub – don’t care how famous you are). You know what, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr Suhn n Such has just popped up to the Isa to sack some poor bastards over at the mines and now he’s just kicking back, sipping on CZ’s and looking forward to a big fat henchman’s bonus! You can just tell sometimes.
Well that’ll do for an intro but please keep a look out for sequels at mybigfatcreations.com and here on FB. Gotta go now, need to brush up on some more American phrases for adventurous Aussies. Apparently you’re not supposed to say “cunt”. And you don’t ask if you can use the toilet. You have to say, “May I use the bathroom?” What’s the difference? “Excuse me, I need to do a shit. Can I use your bathroom?” or “Excuse me, where’s the toilet? I need to do a shit”. Silly cunts.