Wow what a day! Finished my last job working under a tarpaulin and by the light of my head lamp (yeah a headlamp! can you believe it!). It was raining and dark. . . . and. . . . well actually there’s no ‘and’. I probably could’ve said “and cold and there were mosquitoes the size of cockatoos and flies and snakes and killer Christmas beetles and more fucking flies and these evil fucking bugs that try to burrow into any orifice that’s left unguarded and. . . .” but as it turned out the job went quite well considering the conditions. Anyway, I got the sucker done dude! So I’m just sayin: Isn’t it a grand feeling when you nail something like that – a big ask, a challenge, an ‘impossible’ task, a complete headfuck, a cunt of a job – you know what I mean. It’s just so grand isn’t it!! You wanna give yourself a payrise! a bonus! a gold medallion! or write about it and share the experience with a needy world! (who will in all likelihood think you’re a complete fucking cretan)! Now you and I know that aint gonna happen (the payrise and stuff) but it’s so just worth contemplating all the same isn’t it! At this point you may be wondering, “What does this idiot do to be working late, in the dark, in the rain, and under a tarpaulin?”. Well does it really matter? Hey I may well have been excavating the thigh bone of a Spazeosaurus or winding up the final shoot of my big love scene with Jennifer Aniston or tunneling the last few metres into the vault at the local Westpac. Sure it’s crossed my mind (the bank vault not the love scene you fucking deviate – get your mind out of the gutter!) And hey, let’s just be crystal clear on the matter of raunchy movie scenes: If I was to do a love scene it would obviously be with Helen Hunt, not Jennifer Aniston and it would’ve been about twenty-something years ago when she was still smoking hot! I’d probably still do it now but not so much out of lust – more out of not wanting to hurt her feelings (movie stars have forlings too). Suffice to say, it’s the principle of the matter that’s of any significance here, not the details. I’m simply trying to write something that I hope is relatable to a whole heap of different people, something that will make a difference in their lives, maybe help them to see their not such a complete fucking dickhead after all compared to the fucknuckle that’s writing this, and finally, something that might just offer some level of pleasure in the reading thereof. And if not? Well stiff shit, I enjoyed writing it!