December 25

December 25

Hi, sorry, me again with another brief post. As always, please, if you’re not into my version of FB dribble or perhaps you’re thinking, “Great! Another one of those self-centred, egotistical, pain-in-the-arse tossers who actually believe people have even slightest interest in what they might have to say!”. . . . . then hey, just move that little cursor thingy over to that little down arrow on the RH side of your screen and ‘click’! Hey presto – Tosser gone! It’s that easy.

Merry Christmas anyway!!! I hope you’re enjoying the break. The big day started for me with yoga and meditation at 4:00am followed by a wonderfully rejuvenating spa – set into the rock wall of our private balcony – a pool of warm salted spring water tinged with lime juice and honeydew melon. From there I made my way down the stone pathway for a dip in the natural rock pool at the bottom of property. The view from underneath the waterfall is magnificent – you can actually see the islands extending just off the cape – I really must remember to ask the skipper to anchor there for a day or two when next we’re passing. The breeze at this time of the morning seems to drape over the island like a silky curtain, the sweet scent of the rainforest drifting down from the jungle canopy towering overhead and infusing your senses with the essence of forest orchids and exotic fruits. Even the birds can’t bear to sleep through such a magnificent awakening – a new day in paradise, their songs creating the perfect backdrop as a cacophony of sounds echo across the mountain side. Even the Giant Macaw with its spectacular rainbow-coloured plumage announces the emergence of a brand new day with its unique, high-pitched screech. Its exuberance for mornings is actually quite astounding, its squawks and screams eventually drown out the more melodious songs of the other birds altogether! It squawks and screeches and screeches and squawks incessantly and it just gets louder and louder until you think “I just wish someone would shut that f’cking bird up!” I mean seriously, it doesn’t stop – it just goes on and on and on like it’s the only f’cking resident on the whole f’cking island! Just shoot the bastard!!! I reach over to break a branch off a nearby tree to throw at the mongrel when I hear a sudden crash as something is dislodged below me and sent hurtling down the jagged cliff face and into the churning waves below. I make to investigate the commotion before my attention is suddenly reefed back to the screeching immediately above me which has now reached an almost deafening pitch. I thrust my hand up into the undergrowth again in a desperate bid to reach for its neck and end the excruciating ruckus. Another crash as more debris tumbles down the sea cliff and lands with an almighty crash into the breakers. The bird is unfazed and continues with its wailing, edging closer and closer. The noise is unbearable, I don’t think I can take it much longer. I think of my wife still asleep back in our suite. I think of my kids waiting for us back home. Suddenly a voice from out of the chaos. I turn to see who’s there but the jungle is empty. I lunge at the monstrous bird in a final attempt to end the agony, its ear-piercing squawks now derisive howls taunting me, torturing me. I hear the voice again, even louder this time. I spin around but find no one. I hear my name, clearer, closer. A sudden jolt as an unseen force crashes into my shoulder. I recoil in pain. Through the blood-curdling screams I hear the voice of my wife calling, pleading, “John, John…”, it fades again as I feel the Macaw looming closer and closer, pressing in for the kill. “John”, I hear the voice again, it seems so close, “John, John!” A searing pain between my shoulder blades brings instant clarity, “John, turn off the alarm you idiot!”
And so commenced Christmas day. I decided at that point that I may as well get up – had the absolute worst dream.

Reaching over the side of the bed, I scooped up the water bottle and the book and the glasses case and the photo frame that had somehow fallen onto the ground during the night and placed them quietly onto the bedside table. (Of course I was careful not to wake Carmel; I think she may have heard my alarm go off before I could get to it – she’s such a light sleeper). Quick trip to the toilet, turn on the coffee machine, check the e-mails, fed the cat. Sorry!!………hang on a minute; when I read back through that it may have sounded like we actually have the coffee machine and the computer built into the toilet cistern as well as it being able to dispense cat food, you know, kind of like a really efficient set-up to get you out the door as quick as possible in the mornings – BAM! – wake up –pee – coffee – poo – check e-mails – chin-ups – BAM! – dressed – gone! Our toilet isn’t actually that sophisticated. We do have a dropdown bar for chin-ups but please – try to stay with me here – don’t take everything so literally (went to the toilet THEN turned on the coffee machine, then, etc. okay?) So the cat’s been fed, I’ve got my coffee and I’m sitting at the computer. I’ve checked for any e-mails – nothing of interest. I mentally go through the presents I’ve got for my wife: the square box shaped thing in the red Christmas bag; the rectangular box shaped thing in the green Christmas bag. I know for certain that she’ll absolutely love them. I haven’t got a clue what they are but the fact that she purchased them, wrapped them and placed them under the tree for me to give to her is a fair indication that I’ve made the right choice. She’ll do that sometimes: “Hey I’ve got my birthday present. Don’t get me anything, I don’t need anything else.” – “Yes dear”. I cheated on her last birthday though, got her a pretty expensive bracelet and earrings. Okay, Stop!!!…..hang on a minute – see there you go again! NO I didn’t cheat on her last birthday! What kind of sick f’ck do you think I am? Like, “Hey I really wanted to play up on my wife but I wanted to make it ‘special’ if you know what I mean, so I saved it for her birthday” or “I really love my wife. I only play up on her at Christmas and Easter and on our birthdays. I think it’s just so important to keep those kind of things for really special occasions, don’t you?” Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!
Anyway, as I was saying, I got her a bracelet and earrings. Real gold. She loved them. By the way, as for diamonds being a girl’s best friend, I say just try to keep them from getting too well acquainted in the first place and the friendship will probably never take off. These blokes that that give their missus a huge diamond engagement ring are just setting themselves up for a life of pain. Just get them one with some diamond chips if you really have to – or better still some pieces of cubic zirconia – basically they’re the same as a diamond anyway!
Another thoughtful thing I did for my wife this morning was to take her a cup of coffee in bed (she was pretty sleepy though, not sure why). Anyway, I added a very ‘special’ touch with a red Christmas ribbon wrapped around the cup. Sorry? Why didn’t I give her breakfast in bed? Good question. Anyway, how about you suck up to your wife the way you want and I’ll suck up to mine the way I please (remember the ‘real gold’ for her birthday? That was only a couple of weeks ago mate!) So, after the coffee I started to serenade her – very, very smooth – very smooth! I used the Bellamey Brothers 70’s hit, “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me”. She went back to sleep.
So, we’ve got a pretty big day ahead, twelve people for Chrissy dinner, thirteen counting Archie (Aimee and Thomas’ boy). Archie’s pretty much become like a grandson to us. He’s stayed with us a few times now while they’ve gone away, just loves spending time at Nanna and Pop’s and he just adores the smaller of our two dogs, Tara. Archie’s a Pomeranian (that’s a small dog). We don’t say that around him though, he’s fairly sensitive if you know what I mean, thinks he’s one of us. Couldn’t imagine where he gets that idea from? After lunch the plan is to go around to Aimee and Thomas’ and laze by the pool with cocktails. We have an above ground pool here but with twelve (sorry, thirteen) it’ll be a bit of a squeeze – better to take the bigger option. I’m still trying to convince them to install a swim-up bar like the one in Phuket – wouldn’t that be spectacular! Be pretty special for Archie as well – Aimee actually wanted to bring him to Thailand but we managed to convince her that if we took our eyes off him for too long someone might eat him. She was cool with it after that. Still, a swim-up bar! The little guy would think all of his Christmases have come at once (which would almost be true seeing that I don’t think we’ve celebrated his second birthday yet). Anyway of course everything will be in moderation, steady on the food, steady on the drink. We’re just loving these days off work, don’t want to spoil tomorrow with a hangover, been there done that (and no doubt will again I suppose), but not this time!
Well I do hope you have, had, or are having a fantastic Christmas (depending on when you read this). We wish you and your loved ones a fantastic 2014 full of peace and happiness and contentment.

Talk to you soon
John